Reflections
Like many of you reading this, I grew up in a time where other people’s comments, beliefs, and actions heavily influenced how I felt about my body.
I read seventeen and cosmo girl that taught me how to be thin and hairless, how to be a good girl, and how to attract a mate. I saw bodies that looked like mine were only featured in the Enquirer or some other trash publication spreading fear and hatred.
I’ve missed out on having fun because I was worried about how my body looked - at the pool, playing a game, and just sitting in a friend’s house.
I’ve cried in frustration trying to choose an outfit to leave the house. Hell, I’ve missed events because I didn’t feel good in my clothes.
On 100-degree days, I’ve been told to cover up so that I don’t distract and entice men.
I’ve looked at my naked body in the mirror with disgust.
I’ve compared myself to other women and men thinking I’d feel happy if I just had their xyz.
I’ve listened to my loved ones greet each other and say how great someone looked when they lost weight to their face, but on another occasion wait until they’ve left the room to say something to others about how much weight they’ve gained.
I’ve heard my friends comment about what people should and should not be wearing, based on a person’s body shape or size.
I’ve thought, do they feel that way about me?
These questions, doubts, and negativity molded who I was for a long time, making me feel like I had to hide parts of myself. Like only certain parts of my body were good enough to come to the party. These beliefs make up our subconscious mind, influencing our choices and actions, whether we realize it or not.
It wasn’t until my wedding day that I saw a photo of myself that my husband’s Aunt captured, putting on my garter and looking down at my body. It was an intimate moment with myself in the quiet moments before I walked down the aisle, instead of displaying a cheese for the camera like all the other photos that day. This photo felt authentic. It felt raw. I saw myself with kinder eyes than I had before.
Fast forward to my one-year anniversary and I had the courage to sign up for a Boudoir photo session as a gift for my husband. In our 18-year long relationship, he’s told me I was beautiful every single day in every single way, but for some reason I couldn’t always believe it myself.
Everything changed for me when I walked out of the studio after my photo session. I hadn’t even seen the photos yet, but I felt incredible. I had actually gone through with the experience after wanting to back out several times. I was buzzing with energy and excitement because I felt so in touch with myself during the photos. The photographer was hyping me up and allowing me to express myself in a fun and safe environment. I had put in a lot of work planning the outfits and I invested in myself to have a great time. For the first time, I truly felt hot as fuck.
9 years later, I still see those photos and am taken back to how I felt that day. I think about how much my life has changed and how many versions of myself have existed between then and now - how many titles I’ve held, how many different looks I’ve had, how many different thoughts I’ve had about myself!
Capturing my body through the years in photos has gifted me the ability to time travel. It hasn’t magically resolved my relationship with myself, but it has given me perspective. It has given me the ability to look at a photo of myself with more intuitive eyes and think about what I was feeling in that moment. I have the choice to bring myself back into the excitement or give myself grace and awareness if the feelings were negative. Watching my body evolve over the years makes me feel human!
What could capturing intimate photos of yourself give you?